i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
