Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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