dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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