We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
