I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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