Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
