dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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