Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
