Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Pooping to opera.
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