my phone needs a breathalizer
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
