Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
