i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
