My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
