does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
