So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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