So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
