I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
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