The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
