The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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