just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
