life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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