roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
