I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it's like heaven, but drunker
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Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
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I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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