when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
