I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The power of my boobs compel you
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
