After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
