I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
