What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
