Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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