btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
