guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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