Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
