one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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