I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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