I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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