What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
