there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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