i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
