And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
