i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
