You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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