I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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