Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
