note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
no you cant smoke seaweed
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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