Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
