look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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