I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.