im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
