Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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