Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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