I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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