That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
