toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
