Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
