Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
