She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
