Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
