my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
