Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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