i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
