We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You can't special order awesome
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
