We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
