Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
