just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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